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July 15, 2003 - 11:09 a.m. Well after that fascinating entry yesterday (anyone still wondering why I�m not a playwright?) I thought I might try to move into part of my reason for starting this journal. My mom is starting her radiation treatment today; her first appointment is in about an hour actually (an hour from now, as I�m writing this, probably not an hour from when you�re reading this. I�m over helping aren�t I?). I know she�s really nervous about it especially since one of her close friends had a very bad experience with radiation, it basically destroyed her esophagus and she�s in lots of pain all the time now. There are positives though, the doctors did a scan on Mom last week to see how she was responding to the chemo so far (she did chemo for 2 months before the radiation) and the scan showed that the cancer is smaller now, so she�s responding well. The doctors seem to feel that since the cancer responded so well (or rather since the chemo worked so well on the cancer, but you know what I mean) they are very optimistic about the radiation treatment. It�s interesting though, when you hear of people having cancer, or I guess when I did, I never really thought about how the physical aspects affect the mental well being of cancer patients. Hang on, that�s not exactly what I meant. I certainly realized the deep depression that can result from the physical results of breast cancer, or how losing one�s hair would color one�s outlook on life, but there are so many other elements involved that I guess I just never knew about. To do the radiation they have to �mark� where they will insert the needle for treatment, I don�t know how it works for other cases, of course, but for my Mom�s treatment they will be coming at the cancer from different angles, I guess to get the best coverage. These marks they make look like (in her case) a blue freckle, a noticeable blue freckle, and it never comes off. Ever. Now, I�m not really sure how that works, since they don�t tattoo the mark on, but somehow it remains on your skin a lasting reminder. She�ll grow her hair back, gain back whatever weight she lost and she�ll regain her healthy pink skin tone, but she�ll always have these blue dots on her body. I think some people must wear them with pride; it�s a badge of triumph a way to show the world �look what I�ve gone through and I survived and flourished.� It�s different for my Mom. Maybe she�s just more pessimistic than others, but it�s hard for her to turn that around into something positive. I think some of it is because she feels responsible for her condition, like it�s her fault. You see she smoked for years, I mean like 20-30 years. I think from now on when she sees those dots she�s going to look at them and think �I caused this, it�s my fault.� What scares me the most is that will color how she goes into the treatment, her attitude, I�m afraid that she will see those dots one night as she�s getting ready for bed and think not only �It�s my fault,� but �I deserve this� and something will change in her and she�ll give up. When she went though surgery for cancer 5 years ago her attitude was very different than it is now. Our lives were very different than they are now. 5 years ago she had my father to lean on, to take care of her when she was recovering, she no longer has that. My Dad, as I mentioned before, has Alzheimer�s and it�s advanced enough that he can�t offer the support that she needs and the support that he wants to give her. My brother no longer lives here, he visits as much as he can, but he�s currently working on his doctorate and has a new baby. I try to help as much as she�ll let me, but there are so many things that I can�t do and that she won�t let me do. I�m 28, my family is going through the most difficult time in our lives and my Mom is still trying to protect me from it. The scary thing is, as much as I hate that she won�t let me in and let me help, the fact that she�s still trying to protect me heartens me because maybe that will be enough to keep her from giving up. Ok, I�ve been maudlin enough for one day, sorry this wasn�t a fun light read, but I really needed to think about all this. Tomorrow I�ll make with the funny. � Wondering:How it's going at the doctor's
Doing:Dwelling
Wishing:For complete remission
Travel back in time True Art - June 21, 2004
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