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November 11, 2003 - 5:55 p.m. So the other day I was sitting in my apartment, it was late afternoon so the sun was streaming in through my windows�sounds rather nice when put that way, doesn�t it? It was due to that nice stream of sunlight that I was able to clearly see, for the first time, the vast quantities of dirt, dust, my hair, the cat�s hair, Don King�s hair, cobwebs, dust bunny villages�complete with a monorail made out of milk bottle top thingys�and Jimmy Hoffa, that were strewn around my apartment. It was at that moment I decided to undertake a dangerous quest and venture to my parents house to borrow their Electrolux Tank Vacuum, contrary to what the ad on that page says, it is NOT the �World�s lightest weight heavy duty cleaner�. It is in fact a behemoth. The one my parents own was probably a wedding gift that they received�they were married in 1965 and at that point I believe �light weight� was considered anything that weighed less than a Buick. This thing is heavy, DAMN heavy and completely unwieldy. It�s got the separate tank, the long hose�that�s just long enough to allow you to catch the damn tank on any furniture, door jam, small furry animal in the room, but not long enough to allow for easy reaching into the upper corners of a 10� ceiling. Ergo, bring on the attachments, designed to make any 60s� housewife�s life of cleaning and drudgery a thing of the past. So you�ve got your �power nozzle�, which attaches securely to the hose and the tank, it weighs approximately the same as a small child of 12, makes an ungodly racket that effectively blocks out all of those �distracting� noises�the telephone ringing, the Boston Pops, an air raid siren or the cat yowling because it�s tail as been caught in the �power nozzle��the better to give you that Zen-like vacuuming experience we all crave. But lest you think I�m crazy for using this thing, it�s got suction like you wouldn�t believe. I mean this thing could take the red off your candy, it�s crazy strong, but it�s still a nightmare to deal with. So in addition to the tank and �power nozzle� you�ve got your �tools�, �cause vacuuming just isn�t a challenge if you don�t have to stop, turn off the machine, scramble to fine the right attachment, put it on backwards, pull it off, put it on the right way, start up the machine, realize that it�s the wrong �tool�, wash, rinse, repeat. There is the �deluxe floor brush�, ok, this thing just sucks, all it does is effectively push around anything in it�s path and get dust bunnies and hairs stuck in the bristles, so you�ve then got to turn the thing over, try not to knock things off of the shelves, try not to hit the cat or yourself all the while trying not to dislodge any of the crap in the bristles, so you can then pull them off and stick them over the suction hole thing (and Hello to you Googler). Total pain in the ass. There is also the �combination dusting and upholstery tool�, ok dusting sure, I get that, but this thing on upholstery??? It�s bristles are really soft, I mean like a fingerprint dusting brush soft, all it would do on upholstery is smear the dust from elsewhere in the room on your nice, clean furniture. Now, you can attach these 2 brushes directly to the nozzle at the end of the hose, enabling you to crawl around on the floor and throw your back out in the process�all in the name of cleanliness�or you can attach one or two of the �wands� (read: hollow, aluminum tubes) for those �taller jobs�. There are other tools as well, but my sherpa was out on a date that night, so I couldn�t carry them all over to my apartment. That established, let�s begin the wacky tale of: Monster Vacuuming!!! Let�s get ready to ruuuuuumble!!! (insert Stadium rock here) So I finally get the behemoth up to my apartment (3rd floor walk up remember?) after banging all of the �tools� into every available surface on the way up, myself included, and I set the thing up. I attach the �power nozzle�, which has a locking mechanism designed by NASA I think, and fire the bitch up. The cat runs screaming from the room, which I blissfully don�t hear, Zen and the Art of Vacuuming baaaaby, and I commence with the cleaning. Everything is going well enough until I notice an abrupt drop in the noise level, I look back at the tank�which has hidden underneath a side table as its own noise frightens it�still on, hmmm, I check out the �power nozzle�� bingo. It�s just stopped. I lean down and try the power switch, nothing, I try the reset button, nothing, I try shaking it vigorously, nothing, I try all the different connection points, wait for it�nothing. See the problem with the �power nozzle� is that if it doesn�t work, it doesn�t matter that the tank is working, because it ain�t vacuuming. So I think, �Ok, I�ll just use the �deluxe floor brush,� it won�t do much good on the carpet, but I can at least get all my hardwood floors clean.� Heh. See above, re: effective use of. So I spend a good 30 minutes pushing that thing around, picking it up, stuffing all the crap stuck in the bristles back into the hole (Dirty!), putting it back down, wash, rinse, repeat. By this point I�m filthy, I�m literally covered in dust and grime and cat hair and I�m wicked cranky. I decide that now I�ll break out the �combination dusting and upholstery� brush and use it to clean the cobwebs and dust from my windowsills, baseboards and my molding. Everything is going just fine. Baseboards clean? Check. Windowsills? Double check. So now I embark on the molding part of the evening. I don�t know if I�ve ever mentioned that I live in a pretty old apartment building, it was built sometime in the 30s, and I�m also not sure if I�ve mentioned the (how shall I put this?) wildlife that resides there, but I�ll take this opportunity to recap, just in case. I�ve got spiders, they don�t come out much, they don�t really bother me, but they�re there. They are big, hairy, creepy spiders and they just love my crown molding. See, my landlord hasn�t been quite as diligent in the upkeep of the building and there are spots around the molding or around the tops of the windows where the plaster has given away and there are holes. It is from these holes that my spiders emerge. They pop out of one, mosey on down the molding to the next stop on the line then pop back in. As long as they do that I�ve got no beef with them, once they climb down though they get a one way ticket on a fabulous tidy bowl cruise. Anyway, now that you know the back-story, I�m moving along cleaning all the moldings, and this baby is just sucking away (aaahh, Mr. Googler, you have returned), I mean it�s making noises like you wouldn�t believe *click-clack-rattle-rattle* as it sucks up 70 years of paint chips and plaster and crap. So I get around the room and get up to the one corner that has a pretty big hole in the molding, now I�ve noticed a few of my 8 legged �friends� up in that area, but the way I see it, they ain�t paying rent and they�ve had fair warning that the Electrolux cometh. So, I stick the brush up in the corner and hear all the normal sounds *click-clack-rattle-rattle* and then a *shoooop-thrumph-thrumph* and I can feel the �wand� kind of vibrate as this item briskly makes its merry way into the Tank of Horror. I kind of stop for a minute, I look up at the corner, look back down at the tank, look at the "dusting and upholstry" brush, look back up at the corner and nothing. So I finish up, pack up the beast and prepare to enjoy the rest of my night dust bunny free. Later on, as I�m sitting there, I wonder if there will be retaliation, if the spiders are plotting and planning a massive strike on me for unceremoniously sucking up their King (cause let me tell you whatever I got was HUGE). I imagined waking up in the morning to find my cat suspended above my bed with a note written � la Charlotte: �Infidel, release our King or the eater of our kind will become the eaten.� Of course the rest of the night was spent alternately giggling at the thought and warily eying the vacuum tank for an escaped refugee. I needn�t have worried though, because thanks to Electrolux I have �sure thing� bags. They're Electro-luscious! � Wondering:How many I got last night, heh heh heh.
Doing:Enjoying a blissfully dust bunny free day and a half.
Wishing:For one of my very own...
Travel back in time True Art - June 21, 2004
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