Monster Missives

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April 25, 2004 - 12:37 p.m.

So it’s been roughly 4 months since I’ve updated…yeah, sorry about that. Lately my friends have been asking me about this, so I figured it was time I got my monster on again. So here goes, it’s been a while so be gentle.

Now, if y’all call waaaaay back in your memories you’ll remember the ongoing car saga. Well since I last updated, I’ve come to the unfortunate realization that if my car breaks again I’m going to have to sign over my first born child to my mechanic and that seems just a little extreme. A little over a month ago I had the latest in a long series of tragic occurrences with my car. To make a long and not terribly interesting story short, one new alternator later…straw meet camel’s back. Actually, the alternator wasn’t the only problem, of course it wasn’t, it was, however, the most necessary, so I coughed up the $400+ to repair that.

Now the other problem that I was experiencing was my “check engine” light flashing on and off intermittently. Concerned that this might also be a rather costly repair I asked my mechanic John (whose child is no doubt excited to begin her second year at university on the Monster-B Dying Saturn Scholarship, congratulations!) if this was something more ominous. Upon closer inspection he determined that it was the sensor and the light that were faulty, not the engine which checked out just fine, thank you very much. So after deciding that I didn’t need to spend the $200 to fix a damn light on my plastic car, we figured we’d just table it for now and repair it once I’ve managed to raise funds by selling myself on a convenient street corner (Heeeeello again Googlers, how I’ve missed you!)

Now, I recently had a birthday and the new protocol for license plate renewal is that you get your emissions tested and send in your cash before your birthday, so your tag won’t expire. Well, as it turns out, it’s rather hard to pass an emissions test when your “check engine” light is flashing. Fascists. So, of late, I’ve been driving around on borrowed time, so to speak. The day before yesterday, my number came up.

Driving though downtown with a Happy Bunny, on our way to meet folks out at a bar, I glance in my rearview mirror and what do I spy? The Law, big as life and flashing his lights. Now, I accept the fact that I’m breaking the law and I can take responsibility for my actions. So up to the car window comes The Law:

The Law: License and proof of insurance please.

Monster: Yes sir, um…here’s my license…and my insurance card is in my glove compartment here…um, if I can just move all these car repair receipts out of the way rustle rustle rustle…it’s in a little envelope…

The Law: Ma'am, I believe you.

Monster: Really? Thanks, I swear I have it!

The Law: (trying not to laugh at me) I know. Do you know why I pulled you over?

Monster: (weighing my options, deciding honesty may very well be the best policy) Er…my tag’s expired?? Yeah, I know, but I can totally explain that…You know what though? Never mind, I’m sure you’re not interested.

The Law: (openly laughing at me) No, tell me.

Monster: (caught off guard and now thinking I might get out of this without a ticket) Well, right before my birthday my car broke down and I had to get it repaired. I didn’t get the car back until after my birthday and then I had to wait a week after the repairs so my car could pass the test, but then my check engine light was coming on and I figured I’d fail. Then I had to go out of town for a week on business, so I couldn’t do it then, then, when I got back, I got sick. Not too long after that, my already sucky life kicked it into overdrive and I just haven’t been able to rally to get the emissions done yet…I’ll totally go tomorrow, though. Really.

The Law: (smirking and yet still holding onto my license) Ok…well, I’ll just take this back and write you a couple of tickets and you’ll be on your way.

Monster: (eyes bugging out of my head) A couple of tickets!??!?

The Law: (cracking up) I’m only joking, go on. Have a good night and good luck with your car.

Following that encounter, I’m feeling pretty good. Maybe my karma is turning around.

Huh. I should have known better. So yesterday morning I lock my keys in the car, at a construction site. Seriously.

So, 30 minutes and 8 construction guys later (Dirty!)—no, 8 different guys all working on the car at the same time, using coat hangers, slim jims, jerryrigged slim jims, screwdrivers and a wooden stake (not joking about that one either) to try to bust into my car—finally, Oscar was successful and is my new best friend.

After that, I’m driving back towards town, on the highway, and my car is responding strangely. Shocker. I notice that the RPMs are running really high, but the temperature gauge is still normal. I don’t realize what’s really going on until I get back onto the surface streets. When I’ve got the clutch engaged or the car is in neutral the engine revs crazy high, driving the RPMs up to nearly the red. If I stay in gear it drops back down and seems to drive itself, no acceleration needed. It’s like KITT, only thankfully without the unfortunate David Hasselhoff associations.

So, the crazy cycle begins again…what’s the needed repair, does the cost outweigh the benefit and why won’t somebody just steal the damn thing so I can collect insurance? Oh wait, that’s right, because it takes a small army to crack the highly sophisticated ’94 Saturn security system. Bah!

You’ve all probably seen this, but it warrants repeating…


Wondering:About a bumper sticker I recently saw: What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?

Doing:Trying to calm down my fantastic new sunburn.


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Travel back in time

True Art - June 21, 2004
Car Again, Part the 12th - April 25, 2004
Badger - January 15, 2004
Gorilla-hand guys and skater boys - January 07, 2004
Hellooooo 21st Century! - January 05, 2004

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