November 07, 2003 - 1:04 p.m.

So it�s that time of year again, the time when I begin receiving all the weird �gift� catalogues for the holidays and I got the best one yet. It�s the Spilsbury catalogue and apparently they deliver fun. I had no idea you could order that from a catalogue, what a genius plan. Since I�m feeling kinda tired and crappy I thought I�d just highlight some of my favorite items from the catalogue for your reading amusement. Edited to add, none of the catalogue links work, damnit. Sorry guys, you'll have to use your imagination. The next 2 do though, and I encourage you to check those out, hee.

�NEW! Hilarious dancing chicken is �hot-hot-hot�!�
�Looks like a delicious roast chicken cooking on the grill, until it jumps up and starts dancing to the Caribbean hit, �Hot, Hot, Hot!� It sways and flaps its wings over glowing coals�now that�s a funky chicken!�
This is the Rocking Roaster and truly what home can be complete without one? I think my favorite part of the blurb is �Place it on the dinner table and watch friends and family laugh so hard they�ll have to leave the room!� I get it, it�s a ploy to get rid of all your relatives so you can regain some semblance of peace and quite during the holidays. It�s an attack Roaster, veeeery clever.

NEW! Take a Muppet to bed!
Ok, there are so many things wrong with that phrase I don�t even know where to start. Do you think this catalogue is catering to the Plushies and Furries crowd?? Not that there�s anything wrong with that. Ahem.

�Virtual reality games put you in the action�deliver lifelike fun through your TV!�
I love this, that way your �fun� will never get in the way of your essential TV time, whew!

�The recipe for good times starts with an open fire and the right tools!�
Or the recipe for a serial killer, it�s really six to one, half a dozen to another though.

�Go ahead, pull something from Louie�s nose!�
Don�t mind if I do!

�If you want the wine, you�ll have to solve the puzzle!�
�Hope your friends aren�t too thirsty! They�ll be ready for a drink after untangling this clever metal puzzle surrounding any bottle of your choice. A great way to present a gift bottle�
Ok seriously, how pissed would you be if someone gave you a bottle of wine that you couldn�t even get to, to open and drink? The upside? Well, the convenient design allows for a good grip when you crack it over your �friend�s� head.

And along the same lines�

�Money gift? Make �em work for it!�
Ah, I get it, it�s gift giving for the completely resentful. �Well, I guess I have to get her something, but I�m not going to make it easy on her. Does she think it�s her birthday or something?? Oh, it is? Huh, don�t matter; she�s still going to have to work for it.�

Ahhh, the obligatory Jesus section of the catalogue. Here�s highlighting a few of my favorites�

�Family game encourages discussions over moral dilemmas.�
�Players travel around the board earning points and letter tokens when other correctly predict their answers to the thought-provoking questions posed��What would Jesus do?��
It keeps me up at night I tell ya.

�Receive inspiration at the push of a button.�
�Small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, Bible Navigator is a mini computer that gives you inspiring and consoling Bible quotes anytime, anywhere.�
Wow, things have been really rough for me lately, I certainly couldn�t have gotten through it without my handy-dandy Bible Navigator. Thanks Bible Navigator, I couldn�t have done it with out you!

I think it�s rather interesting that the only part in the catalogue that does not feature an overabundance of exclamation points is the Jesus section. My favorite thing though is on the same page as all the Jesus stuff, games, puzzles ( �Cross shaped jigsaw puzzle�), they also have featured

�Bingo! Here�s everything you need!� and my personal fave,

�Mini 3-D puzzles from Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Light!�
�Build your own village of collectible 3-D puzzles inspired by the masterpieces (sarcastic emphasis mine) of America�s most collected living artist!�
Most collected, well that�s kind of a slap in the face don�t ya think? Also note the return of the ever present exclamation point.

And now we move on, to the Farting Gifts section,

�This jolly old St. Nick is a real gas!�
�Nothing says �Happy Holidays� like a gift of a farting, shaking fat man in a red suit! Pull Santa�s finger and he�ll give you a gift: one of seven �toots� and funny (sarcasm mine) phrases, including �Was THAT on your list?� and �Ahhhh, that smells of the Holidays!��

I�m just speechless. Seriously, �Nothing says �Happy Holidays���? Oh, I don�t know, I think pretty much anything says �Happy Holidays� more that a farting stuffed animal. I�m not going to specifically reference all the �Farting� toys featured, but (hee, I�m 4) suffice it to say there are approximately 8 fart related gifts, including the Pull my Finger President (ok, heh!) that features �hilarious (sarcasm, you got it right?) things like, �Osama (F*RT) Your Mama!� plus other hilarious things we can�t put in print!� They�re just too shocking to be printed up in this catalogue, you won�t believe it, SHOCKING SHOCKING!!! (Ahem, sorry about that, I think I�ve got a repetitive stress disorder from typing all of these exclamation points. See what I do for you?) Now, don�t get me wrong farts are funny stuff, but you�ve got to be kidding me here.

I think I�ll wrap this up, I�d just like to point out that in addition to the Jesus section, there is also an America section, of course there is.

I leave you with this last item and testimonial:

�You simply haven�t lived �til you�ve seen this Flamingo dance.�
�This stupid bird cracks me up every time! I can�t help it! It�s pure mindless fun!��Exclamation Point, satisfied customer.

�

Wondering:What would Jesus do???

Doing:Trying to figure out what I'm getting my friends for Christmas, heh heh heh.

Wishing:For a Klondike bar. (heh)

before - after

Pass me a note

Travel back in time

True Art - June 21, 2004
Car Again, Part the 12th - April 25, 2004
Badger - January 15, 2004
Gorilla-hand guys and skater boys - January 07, 2004
Hellooooo 21st Century! - January 05, 2004